|
2004/01/11, 03:48 PM
He said....I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear pants don't you?
**************************
He said....Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said...That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while i sit on the sofa.
**************************
He said...What have you been doing with all the grocery money I give you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
**************************
On a wall in a ladies room...."My husband follows me everwhere."
Written just below it... "I do not!"
**************************
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the
dishes?
A. Both of them
**************************
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
**************************
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
***************************
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
***************************
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boy friends.
***************************
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
***************************
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
--------------
THE NATURAL WAY IS THE ONLY TRUE PATH TO SUCCESS, PRIDE, JOY, HAPPINESS, LONG TERM FULFILLMENT AND SELF-ESTEEM!
|
|
|
|
2004/01/11, 04:02 PM
LOL LOL LOL
I think I will send these to all my friends
--------------
It's not what we eat or drink occasionally, but what we consume on a daily basis that determines our ongoing level o health.
formerfatguy.com
Not sure of author
|
|
2004/01/11, 10:37 PM
LMao me 2
|
|
2004/01/12, 09:23 PM
hehehhe my boyfriend didn't think that was too funny! lol ;) I did!
|
|
2004/01/12, 09:57 PM
But those don't pertain to me, right Sandy??? <LOL>
--------------
If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything....
|
|
2004/01/13, 08:33 AM
Those were wicked. I was going to print those out and show them to my wife but I just KNOW that she couldn't relate since obviously none of them would apply to us. :)
|
|
2004/01/13, 11:40 AM
Uh Huh ... that's all I have to say is Uh Huh ...
|
|
2004/01/13, 12:56 PM
Funny funny funny...I'll send it to friends...thanks!
|
|
2004/01/13, 12:56 PM
Too funny! Thanks for sharing!
--------------
**_Robert_**
Pain is temporary; glory is forever!
|
|
2004/01/15, 10:02 AM
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man
Love, To forgive him and
Patience, For his moods
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.
--------------
Living well is the best revenge.
Charlie
|
|
2004/01/15, 10:11 AM
hahahaha how true to all. Great laugh for the morning before the workout. Haahahaha all the way to the gym. :)
|
|
2004/01/15, 03:23 PM
. What do you call a handcuffed man?
> > > > >Trustworthy.
> > > > >
> > > > >2. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath
and calling your name?
> > > > >You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
> > > > >
> > > > >3. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
> > > > >Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
> > > > >
> > > > >4. Why do men like smart women?
> > > > >Opposites attract.
> > > > >
> > > > >5. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
> > > > >They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the
> > > > >time they don't work.
> > > > >
> > > > >6. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
> > > > >We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
> > > > >
> > > > >7. How do men exercise on the beach?
> > > > >By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
> > > > >
> > > > >8. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
> > > > >Make him wear shoes.
> > > > >
> > > > >9. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
> > > > >He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
> > > > >
> > > > >10. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> > > > >ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to
> > > > >revolve around him.
> > > > >
> > > > >11. What did God say after creating man?
> > > > >I can do so much better.
> > > > >
> > > > >12. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
> > > > >Telling you his real name.
> > > > >
> > > > >13. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
> > > > >Put the remote control between his toes.
> > > > >
> > > > >14. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
> > > > >"My wife says..."
> > > > >
> > > > >15. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
> > > > >So men can understand them.
> > > > >
> > > > >16. Why did God create man before woman?
> > > > >Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before
creating your masterpiece.
> > > > >
> > > > >17. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
> > > > >To stop the snoring before it starts.
> > > > >
> > > > >18. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
> > > > >To keep them from grazing.
> > > > >
> > > > >19. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
> > > > >Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
> > > > >
> > > > >20. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
> > > > >Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
> > > > >
> > > > >21. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
> > > > >When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
--------------
Living well is the best revenge.
Charlie
|
|
2004/01/17, 11:13 PM
I find it JUST A LITTLE odd that you tell jokes about men when, if I'm not mistaken, you are one? I dunno, doesn't make sense to me Charlie
--------------
If Satan ever tries to remind you of your past, just tell him of his future!
|
|
2004/01/17, 11:45 PM
Oh geez Arondaballer...its called having a sense of humor! They're not Man-bashing. Those jokes are funny and yes a man can tell them as well. Charlie can do whatever the F he wants.
--------------
May the lift be with you.
|
|
2004/01/18, 11:57 AM
It's called being secure with your masculinity. ;) If you're positive about that you don't have to worry about telling silly jokes. It's a joke then. Get it? Teehee!
|
|
2004/01/18, 02:07 PM
I find myself odd too, baller. I live in my own little world but they know me here. I love women too butI also tell jokes about them. Whats your point??
--------------
Living well is the best revenge.
Charlie
|
|
2004/01/18, 02:08 PM
Oh yeah ... and chicks dig me. Just ask Taurie, Laneylou and my special girl friend delts!!!!!!
--------------
Living well is the best revenge.
Charlie
|
|
2004/01/18, 02:20 PM
I'm diggin' ya baby ;) I'm diggin ya!
|
|
2004/01/18, 03:43 PM
Uh...yeah! Thats right! I'm Charlie's woman! And he's all man! Oh Geez, I opened Pandora's box with that one.
--------------
May the lift be with you.
|
|
2004/01/18, 03:46 PM
Who is this pandora? I'll kill her. Gotta keep this poor baller kid guessin.
--------------
Living well is the best revenge.
Charlie
|
|
2004/01/18, 09:24 PM
LOL...I opened her box...nothing serious
--------------
May the lift be with you.
|
|
2004/01/18, 09:31 PM
uh oh - I tell blonde jokes.....:(
|
|
2004/01/18, 11:03 PM
Charlie....you cheating on me again?????
--------------
"A will finds a way"
Ivan Montreal Canada
|
|
2004/01/18, 11:07 PM
Well , you know me Ivan. Old passaround Charlie.
--------------
Living well is the best revenge.
Charlie
|
|
2004/01/19, 05:35 PM
Ok, that's it. The funniest blonde joke I've ever heard is comin out now.
There was a blond driving down a country road one day. She noticed something moving in a field and finally saw what it was. It was another blonde sitting inside a canoe in the middle of the field just rowing away as fast as she could as if she were rowing to save her life. She just shook her head and went on into town to get her groceries. On her way back she noticed this idiot was still sitting out in the middle of the field rowing as hard as she could. She just couldn't take it, so she pulled off the side of the road and got out of her truck to talk to the woman. She yelled as loud as she could several times and the blonde in the canoe didn't hear her. She yelled louder! Hey! Hey You!!!! It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name! And if I could swim, I'd come whip your @$$!
HEHEHEHEHEHEHE ;)
|
|
2004/01/19, 06:07 PM
lol!!!!!!! I'm sick again:(
You guys/gals are freak'n hysterical! Thanks for helping me feel better:)
|
|
2004/01/19, 06:18 PM
hehe Hope you feel better soon! ;)
|
|
2004/01/19, 06:49 PM
Love the jokes...thanks for sharing
Nut
|
|
2004/01/19, 07:11 PM
How 'bout the blond coyote caught in a trap?? Gnawed off three legs and was still caught!! DOH! Better splain it to the baller kid.
--------------
Living well is the best revenge.
Charlie
|
|
2004/01/19, 09:18 PM
LOL Chuck! you're ruthless.
--------------
May the lift be with you.
|
|
2004/01/20, 10:23 AM
THE MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
THE MOODS OF A MAN
Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.
--------------
Living well is the best revenge.
Charlie
|
|
2004/01/20, 12:54 PM
So true...
|
|
2004/01/20, 02:58 PM
He Said-She Said: A tale of 2 diaries.
1- HER DIARY
-----"Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. he seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation, but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster."
2 - HIS DIARY
------"Today the Eagles lost, but at least I got laid."
--------------
May the lift be with you.
|
|
2004/01/20, 03:02 PM
LOL Jim we are truly sensitive guys.
--------------
Living well is the best revenge.
Charlie
|
|
2004/01/20, 03:20 PM
lol...Oh my goodness, my friends and I were just talking about a similar scenario last night...Ahh the differences of the sexes are so amusing if we looks at them objectively.
|
|
2004/01/20, 05:33 PM
Where do you guys get all this crap from??? Pretty funny stuff.
--------------
"A will finds a way"
Ivan Montreal Canada
|
|
2004/01/20, 10:15 PM
hahahahaha I am dying . The funeral joke wins the prize. I am copying and pasting to the net with that one.
|
|
2004/02/04, 09:45 AM
FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend. Amen.
MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store ...and a boat. Amen.
--------------
Its like herding cats.
Charlie
|
|
2004/02/04, 10:35 AM
HAHAHAHA!!
--------------
Hec da Rec in full effect.
|
|
2004/02/04, 06:18 PM
You don't have to answer to him...
A real man can laugh at these things...
============
Quoting from charlie826:
Oh yeah ... and chicks dig me. Just ask Taurie, Laneylou and my special girl friend delts!!!!!!
=============
|
|
2004/02/22, 11:54 PM
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
--------------
Some times life is like herding cats.
Charlie
|
