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2007/01/11, 12:45 PM
Holy crap...still laughing....
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You put yourself in stupid places....Yes I think you know its true....situations where its easy to look down on you.
I think you like to be the victim...think you like to be in pain...I think you make yourself the victim almost every single day..
....I think you are blind to the fact that the hand you hold... is the hand that holds you down.
Everclear
Everything
Are you the victim?
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2007/01/11, 12:48 PM
ok...sent that to my husband...he wrote back it wasn't THAT funny...he's worried....
:big_smile::laugh:
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You put yourself in stupid places....Yes I think you know its true....situations where its easy to look down on you.
I think you like to be the victim...think you like to be in pain...I think you make yourself the victim almost every single day..
....I think you are blind to the fact that the hand you hold... is the hand that holds you down.
Everclear
Everything
Are you the victim?
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2007/01/12, 10:48 AM
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
He never heard the shot....
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2007/01/12, 11:02 AM
:big_smile:
I was still laughing about FF's joke last night at dinner...my husband says "KC...seriously...it's not THAT funny"...he's more than worried now...
had to kill him with the chair:big_smile:...oh boy...here we go again with the giggles....
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\\\"And your crybaby whiney opinion would be....?????\\\"
saw it on a t-shirt...couldnt resist...
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2007/01/12, 03:07 PM
BIKERNET DOG FOR SALE--A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk,he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that Could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that s*&%!
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A** kissing only works if you know which one to kiss.
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2007/01/12, 03:50 PM
ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!
1.. You walka pasta da bakery.
2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
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Bettia
To be motivated, motivate others!
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2007/01/13, 09:42 AM
DON'T FART IN BED
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and
I'll pray for you.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in there marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and
the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every
morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was
making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She
told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow
his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for
dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where
she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the
spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and
went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling
back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his
underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some
time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which
was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had
got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood
stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as
she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some
Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
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2007/01/15, 07:21 PM
Oh my goodness, That is so gross its hilarious if that makes any sense
By the way this is for you rednecks that i know are out there..:love:
Redneck pick up lines
>
> 1) Did you fart?
> cuz you blew me away.
>
> 2) Are yer parents retarded?
> cuz ya sure are special.
>
> 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
> I can't hold it in.
>
> 4) Do you have a library card?
> cuz I'd like to sign you out.
>
> 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
> cuz I can see myself in em.
>
> 6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer
> hole.
>
> 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only
> a light switch away.
>
> 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
> Woman - "WHAT?"
> Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the
> ice."
>
> 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
> but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
>
> 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
> I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
>
> 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
>
> 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til
> afternoon.
> and.... the best for last!
>
> 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
> every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
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A** kissing only works if you know which one to kiss.
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2007/01/16, 08:54 AM
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
Because they are plugged into a genius
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
They don't have enough time
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
They don't stop to ask directions
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
You need a rough draft before you make a final copy
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
Don't know.....it's never happened
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And my personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn
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A** kissing only works if you know which one to kiss.
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2007/01/16, 04:05 PM
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12 She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8 He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE "
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2007/01/18, 02:11 PM
>
> One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
his
wife's arm.
> The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
> The husband, rejected, turns over.
> A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife aga in.
> "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
--------------
A** kissing only works if you know which one to kiss.
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2007/01/18, 02:30 PM
heard that one before...but it still makes me laugh...:big_smile:
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"But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold"
My Wish
Rascall Flats
I sing this song to my kids...but I realized..it works for yall too....
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2007/01/19, 08:51 AM
TEXAS COWBOY
A Texas cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have
exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?
You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
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2007/01/19, 08:54 AM
:big_smile::laugh:
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"But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold"
My Wish
Rascall Flats
I sing this song to my kids...but I realized..it works for yall too....
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2007/01/24, 12:29 PM
Living Life Backwards
I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Th en you get kicked out for being too healthy.
You enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work .
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
T hen you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap, and then.
You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
Wouldnt this be great! Get the hard stuff out of the way first....
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A** kissing only works if you know which one to kiss.
If your dog is fat, you\\'re not getting enough exercise. ~Author Unknown
starting weight 188 march 06 current jan 07 165 after
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2007/01/24, 12:41 PM
Well, my first thought is would you really want the doctor to actually put your children back in? I'm guessing them coming out is a lot easier than them going in.:big_smile:
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2007/01/26, 03:21 PM
I may get blasted for this one but it is funny
This woman walked into the welfare office to apply for welfare. The welfare agent asked who she needs it for. She said that she needs it for herself and her 16 kids. The agent thought that was alot of kids but went on.
"What is your childrens names please"
The woman said " Johnny"
The agent asked what are all of their names. The woman said that all of her children are named Johnny. Again the agent was taken back.
"Why did you name them all Johnny"
She replied, "With 16 kids it is hard to keep up with them. When I need them to come I ask for Johnny and they all come. To get them to clean their room, I say that Johnny needs to pick up and they all clean their room. If they are going toward the road, I can yell for Johnny to stop and they all will stop."
The agent thought and then asked, "That makes sense but what if you need only one specific child to come to you?"
"That is easy. I call them by their LAST name."
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2007/01/26, 03:26 PM
:big_smile:
--------------
"But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold"
My Wish
Rascall Flats
I sing this song to my kids...but I realized..it works for yall too....
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2007/01/26, 04:09 PM
Good one, Tiger!
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2007/01/26, 04:30 PM
Tiger that sounds like my ex wife. But of course I have my two! :-)
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2007/01/26, 04:53 PM
whoa freedom....TMI:big_smile:
--------------
"But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold"
My Wish
Rascall Flats
I sing this song to my kids...but I realized..it works for yall too....
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2007/02/07, 11:27 AM
Sick Leave
I needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would
not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted
"CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So
I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny
noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was
doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so
that theBoss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me
a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and
asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my
co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!
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2007/02/07, 11:38 AM
What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head. I'll give these two a lift.
t
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I see the words you are typing, but all I read is *click*click*click*
They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself. - Andy Warhol
Sometimes I feel I type just to read my own words. - Me
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2007/02/10, 09:31 AM
I used to tell people all the time that I got to be the size that I am because I have an eating disorder. I'm bulimic but I have amnesia. I binge, but I forget to throw up.
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2007/02/11, 05:27 PM
FART FOOTBALL
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "7 points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie Score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field Goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman So he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable,he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
*The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man replies, "Half time, switch sides."*
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Bettia
\"Minds are like parachutes; they work best when open.\" - Lord Thomas Dewar
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2008/07/30, 07:33 PM
we need a laugh...bump
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2008/07/31, 11:12 AM
Here you go....
10 things in golf that sound dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
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Bettia
Life is all about timing... the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable... attainable. Have the patience, wait it out It is all about timing.
-Stacey Chapman
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2010/10/15, 12:47 PM
What kind of bees make milk????
BooBees
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2011/09/13, 02:25 PM
============
Quoting from bb1fit:
Hope this one is not 'over the top'....
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in
every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in
the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each
other in the hall and say "FU** YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fu** you in the divorce court
in front of many people for every penny you've got.
=============
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