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2005/10/30, 10:28 PM
Looking for advice. Has anyone else had to deal with the situation of a wife who has gained a lot of weight since getting married? Is there any way to get her to lose the weight without drama?
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2005/10/30, 11:05 PM
Nope - Mot unless she wants too. That's why I'm single and it's a dangerous area. :) Have you tried talking about it?
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Mike
in Pensacola Now.
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2005/10/31, 02:25 AM
I think the best way to deal with this situiation without offending her is to gradually get her involved in workouts with you. But try not to be too obvious about it. For example...if you have a dog, ask her to go for a walk with you. Or if you go to the gym, try to convince her that you would love to have someone to work out with (even if you have no intentions of workingout with her), just get her in there and help her feel comfortable until she learns how to do her own thing.:)
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2005/10/31, 11:44 AM
If she does all the cooking how 'bout volunteering to to do some of it and whip up some nice healthy meals...Be active together...never force the issue because you know what it shouldn't matter what a persons size is you should love her just the same...Bring things about in a positive light get her involved and encourage activities she enjoys or she may retreat into herself and think you find her disgusting and rather than motivating her to get fit it may just send he into a depressive state that makes things worse.
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2005/10/31, 05:59 PM
I knew someone would say that,I don't thinks its an issue of him still loving her....which in the ideal world everyone she love/like everyone for who they are, BUT its not the ideal world,attraction is what drawls us to each other. I mean SOME women if their hubby gained 100+ lbs they might not find him attractive anymore.
Imen if big guys where concidered "attractive" John candy or jack black would be eye candy.....not The Rock or Vin Deasel.
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Friends don't let friends squat high...
People don't reach thier true potental, only those who seek it.
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2005/11/01, 12:13 PM
dangel~
Coming from the perspective of the wife who has gained a lot of weight since getting married, I have to say that as much as it is a concern to you, the weight gain is probably killing your wife emotionally.
I don't know if your concern is specifically because of looks or not, but a good way to approach it is to sit down with her and have a "heart to heart" about your concerns for her HEALTH. After that it's up to her, but if you are truly supportive she may be much more inclined to do something about it.
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2005/11/02, 08:02 PM
I am also a wife who gained weight after getting married I'm 5'4 and was 205lbs when I delicered the twins. Now I realize that being pregnant is about the best excuse I can think of to gain weight but 205 is really big. I only went down to 158 after they were born. Anyway, my husband just told me very frankly that I could stand to loose some poundage. He was very nice about it, and never teased me or put me down. He told me that he would love me no matter what I looked like. And has been very supportive of my efforts to get into shape. He has bent over backwards to make sure that I can make it to the gym. I never felt hurt by him telling me.
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2005/11/03, 10:28 AM
I'd say to be supportive, and voice your concerns in a polite and team oriented way. Attraction does play a part in today's society, and to really keep your relationship alive you have to avoid taking each other for granted, and still keep yourself squared away fitness wise. Pregnancy in my opinion is used as an excuse WAY too much. I've seen countless women including my wife bounce back from pregnancy, and actually look better afterwards. And I've seen the countless women use it as a crutch excuse even 18 months after birth. A healthy weight gain for a single child pregnancy is 29lbs.
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2005/11/03, 10:34 AM
Love the inovative baby transport Gangster.
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Sometimes life is like herding cats.
Charlie
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2005/11/03, 02:36 PM
Kadence is my quality control for my weekend moonbounce rental business. That's her buggy/chariot when she's out working with daddy.
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2005/11/04, 12:16 PM
There's lots of approaches to this...many great ones have been mentioned here. However if she's really self-conscious about it then be careful when saying anyting about her working out or getting in shape as she might construe this as demeaning, despite your best intentions. One good thing is to help out her self confidence...compliment her a lot, help her to feel better about her self and she'll be more apt to put the effort forth to become what she believes she is.
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2005/11/07, 08:45 PM
You’re screwed! No matter what you say you’re going to offend her.
My advice? This is along the lines of what you want to say...."Baby, I love your curves (look at her like you want her when saying this) but I'm worried because it looks like you gained a couple lbs. I read in a magazine/heard from a friend that sometimes when a woman gains a few pounds it's because she's depressed or stressed. I just want to make sure I wasn't doing anything to cause you to be sad or stressed. I want to be a good husband so if there is anything I can do just tell me. Anything from pampering you with a bubble bath to including you when I go to the gym and eating healthier."
Put the emphasis on you wanting to be a good husband and her being healthy (mentally and physically), not her weight. Make sure she thinks you still believe she is sexy.
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2005/11/08, 09:07 AM
The last thing you want to do is bribe her to lose weight, by being a "good husband" and pampering her. The "good husband" stays around about as long as it takes for the "good wife" to get back in shape and look for a mate that doesn't roll over and beg. That sends a completely wrong message, and shows that her weight gain can control your relationship.
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2005/11/09, 07:31 AM
I wouldn't say it is bribing her by being a good husband...the weight gain really shouldn't be a factor in one's relationship...not to that extent anyways. The best way to help someone to get in shape (if they are ready to do so) is to be as encouraging as possible...
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2005/11/09, 09:56 AM
If your definition of being a good husband includes being truthful, supporting, and helping to free up your wife's time schedule so she can workout, and eat more healthy I fully agree.
If your definition of being a good husband includes pampering her, and making up white lies to shield the truth of your intentions I think that's totally deceitful and a perfect example of letting someone walk all over you in a relationship.
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2005/11/09, 05:26 PM
It's deeper then the fat, it's the head. What's going on inside of the inner soul? Once their is a mental shift the weight will come off, but where is the thread starter dude?
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2005/11/09, 10:27 PM
""...the weight gain really shouldn't be a factor in one's relationship"""
Hince why the rock or vin deasel is so popular....and not john candy or chris farly?
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Friends don't let friends squat high...
People don't reach thier true potental, only those who seek it.
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2005/11/09, 10:34 PM
Good point dendys - the thread starter dude seems to have disappeared but it was an interesting thread. :)
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Mike
in Pensacola Now.
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2005/11/12, 01:54 PM
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Quoting from bigandrew:
Hince why the rock or vin deasel is so popular....and not john candy or chris farly?
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Don't you mean Jake Gyllenhaal? ;D :P
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Irish
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2005/11/12, 08:22 PM
John Candy and Chris Farly are bad examples, they had great personalities and plenty of people liked them.
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2005/11/07, 07:48 AM
Chances are that she already knows that she needs to drop the weight...AND she already knows that you know that she needs to drop the weight. The real trick is to figure out why it is that nothing is happening with her situation independantly.
You should evaluate the situation carefully and see if you can find out the root of the problem before you ever say a word....watch her, find out what and when she eats and why.
When she eats, is she hungry, upset...bored? Is she light on her intake when around you / others, only to find herself in the kitchen as soon as she thinks nobody is looking? Does she favor high starch and junk?
And it wouldn't hurt to run a covert operation to discover reasons why she doesn't like to work out. There are many...gym-a-phobia, defeating attitudes that come from being overwhelmed...general anxiety coming from lack of know-how. Of course, there will be those that say "general laziness", but I am inclined to disagree as I have 18 years under my belt when it comes to women and how they think. I've never met a "lazy" woman (or man for that matter) that didn't use it as an excuse of, and in itself to cover for some sort of inner turmoil.
And finally, you have to look to your line of thinking honey. No offense intended, but to phrase your question as you did, combined with the fact that this is your first post, it seems an awful lot like you are a husband that finds it hard to communicate and be communicated with. One that is frustrated and looking for answers because he wants a thinner wife...or maybe a wife like the one he married? Are you happy? Is there anything that you could rectify that might be contributing to the situation at the root of the problem?
Moreover, "without drama" is something usually desired by one who likes to see solutions and not very understanding of the process some have to use to get there. You seem to be a direct, get it done type of personality, which I understand and respect...but there are many who do not share that mind set...and trying to get them to understand and conform to your thought process is no more fair or effective than trying to get a depressed jumper off a ledge by telling them that they are being selfish.
Once you gather all of this information, you can try to discover the problem and start trying for a solution. Make sure that you are clear on what you want and what she wants and what you are both willing to give to the process...she has to be able to work hard without feeling that she has to do this for you and you have to be able to ensure her that you are there to help and will still be there if she fails.
You have a difficult task in front of you...so does she...so be patient and an open thinker. More importantly, embrace the drama...it's an effective tool in recovery for many.
Good thoughts and good luck.
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A morning without coffee is like something without something else.
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2005/11/07, 08:54 AM
nothing like starting a thread and never coming back. :)
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2006/04/30, 02:23 AM
OK, I didn't come back for a while but thanks for your advice. I wish I coould say, "Baby, I love your curves (look at her like you want her when saying this) but I'm worried because it looks like you gained a couple lbs. I read in a magazine/heard from a friend that sometimes when a woman gains a few pounds it's because she's depressed or stressed." but wwe're talking about quite a bit more than "curves" as she's got to be well over 200 lbs at this point.
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2006/04/30, 08:43 AM
Somebody else just ran a thread regarding this recently and I beleive my suggestion to them was something along the lines of, if you still love each other unconditionally, no subject is taboo. But I'm not sure that's the case here.
One thing is for sure, when someone starts thinking the way you are, bad things are just around the bend, it's just a matter of time. your allowing yourself to become dependant on outer beauty, rather than inner. The longer you do this, the easier it becomes for you to accept falling out of love with her. You might have already. When someone turns to complete strangers for advice on something such as this, it's usually because they're desperate for anyone to tell them, hey, it's ok, dump her and move on.
Now, you read your two posts, or better yet, have her read them and tell me I'm wrong. Not once in either of your posts did you mention how much you still love her. My only advice to you is, do some soul searching, you might just be too shallow and superficial to handle this. Don't put the burden on us.
I can be very understanding when dealing with someone who comes off as genuine. But you just come off as weak and fake to me. Nothing in either post deemed respect IMO.
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She sits and wonders why.....no more.
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2006/04/30, 10:14 AM
I Like Curves. 200 seems liek a lot but depending on body type etc it may not be that bad. ALl I can say I loved my wife at 300 and I love her at 189. You marry the woman not her appearance. That said I will have to qualify it that I believe my wife is the most beautiful woman alive, so it would take something out of this world to happen for me to not love her based on appearance. How tall is you wife, any babies that could have caused the weight gain? these would be nice to know.
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Less Talk, More Chalk!
The Men and Boys are Separated by one thing: The Squat Cage!
7707mutt@freetrainers.com
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2006/05/01, 06:58 AM
Mutt...you gave the answer every woman wants to hear...your wife is a very lucky woman to have married you.:)
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2006/05/13, 08:48 AM
Im usually straightforward. Dont have a wife but if my girl gets fat I'll just tell her she looks more attractive thinner. There's not much point in lying to her and lying to yourself. Of course you can and should still love her with the weight, you married her afterall but people have preferences and shouldnt be afraid to state it to each other, specially when your partners.
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Accept the challenges, so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory
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2006/05/13, 11:38 PM
I'm not married nor am I particularly knowledgeable about relationships, but I would be blunt and supportive.
"I love you, but I am not as attracted to you, since the pregnancy. What can we do to help you become as beautiful as you are inside?"
According to social exchange/equity theory, she's lowered her value (most likely below yours), and if it's not corrected, it could cause you to grow apart.
The dramaless route would be to gain weight yourself then work it off together, but I would go with honesty. Relationships suck when you can't be honest with each other.
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2006/05/15, 10:46 AM
Obviously not married or particularly knowledgeable about relationships:big_smile: You'd have one sore ass after a comments like .."I'm not as attracted to you since the pregnancy"..."I'd love you more if"....Maybe try.."I think you mind find you feel better about yourself and have more energy if you started eating healthier and exercising. I've been thinking I'd start doing the same, so maybe we could start working out together..."
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Quoting from yxven:
I'm not married nor am I particularly knowledgeable about relationships, but I would be blunt and supportive.
"I love you, but I am not as attracted to you, since the pregnancy. What can we do to help you become as beautiful as you are inside?"
According to social exchange/equity theory, she's lowered her value (most likely below yours), and if it's not corrected, it could cause you to grow apart.
The dramaless route would be to gain weight yourself then work it off together, but I would go with honesty. Relationships suck when you can't be honest with each other.
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2006/05/15, 10:48 AM
sorry "mind"="might"...I was too shocked and stunned to type properly-lol
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2006/05/15, 10:50 AM
Yeah I agree that is worst advice to give to a guy with a wife that just had a baby!
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Less Talk, More Chalk!
The Men and Boys are Separated by one thing: The Squat Cage!
7707mutt@freetrainers.com
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2006/05/15, 03:02 PM
I think it depends on who you married, and what type of a relationship you have.
If someone told me, "I think you'd feel better and have more energy, if you started eating healthier and exercising," I'd immedietly translate it into "I think you're fat."
I mean, maybe, if I was complaining about lacking energy, that would be ok, but most likely, it'd just make it worse, since I'd, also, think that you didn't feel you could be honest with me.
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2006/05/15, 03:20 PM
So "I love you, but I am not as attracted to you, since the pregnancy. What can we do to help you become as beautiful as you are inside?" doesn't translate into "I think you're fat"?...Oh, you must be thinking she's just uglier now...I see...sorry, I guess I just like a shallow/dishonest relationship, like the one I've had for the past 25 years:big_smile:
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2006/05/15, 03:12 PM
No you have no clue! THat is not something in any realtionship that you say to a woman especially after she has had a baby.
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Less Talk, More Chalk!
The Men and Boys are Separated by one thing: The Squat Cage!
7707mutt@freetrainers.com
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2006/05/15, 08:13 PM
I claim that post.
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2006/05/15, 08:26 PM
Ok whatever you said you have no experience in relationships and are not marrie dso how are you qualified to give those of us that have the exp and are married advice so concretely?
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Less Talk, More Chalk!
The Men and Boys are Separated by one thing: The Squat Cage!
7707mutt@freetrainers.com
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2006/05/15, 10:32 PM
I hope I didn't offend you mutt. I'm just offering a different opinion. What works for one relationship doesn't work for all.
First, I haven't said anything concretely.
"I'm not married nor am I particularly knowledgeable about relationships, but I would be blunt and supportive."
Second, you're making a logical fallacy by appealing to an authority.
Third, I'm not completely unexperienced, even if I'm not married.
That's how I handle all of my relationships, and it works well for me. Aside from friendships, I've dated 10 girls, and only the first one dumped me (and lets face it, I was clingy). I've also taken an interpersonal relationship class, as well as full training to volunteer at a battered womens clinic, both of which teach conflict resolution skills.
I mean, if that's not how you'd do it, and you've been married 25 years like fly, by all means, don't change what you're doing, but that doesn't mean it's the only way.
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2006/05/16, 11:47 PM
You talk to each individual in life differently. Some things i cans say to my current girlfriend I would not even dream about saying to any previous. If you are married to this person you should know what you can and cannot say to them. If it bothers you and im sure she is knows it because you cant hide the looks in your eyes You both have to work together. You are in a committed relationship and are suppose to stick together through thick and thin. You should research healthy eating habits and exercise for beginners and do this as a team.
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2007/12/29, 07:35 AM
Being a wife that has gained alot of weight since getting married, I guess you just need alittle more understanding and compassion cause constantly teasing , ridiculing and just plain being mean just dont help out one bit. I mean you know yourself that your are big, so you dont need the negativity all the time, so good luck to everyone cause I know that I am going to need it.:love::love:
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