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2004/03/16, 10:01 AM
What I am about to post is not for sympathy, I am hoping that any body who passes this section will read it and find a way to keep it from applying to themselves or a loved one.
My ex had always had a “tough guy” attitude. I was young enough to find it kind of sexy actually….made him a bit more “cool” and that fit his big build and heavy “gym personality”. Besides…I was brought up in rural NC, where violence was only personified by drunken brawls that ended in laughter and back slapping the next morning. So, when that toughness started to be filtered in my direction, I was actually surprised.
By the time I realized that he had a problem it was almost too late for me.
It was raining and I was apprehensive as I always seemed to be anymore. It was almost time for “him” to come home. That usually meant something bad in those days and I spend a lot of my time wondering what in the world could have caused the hate and discontent hanging over us like a black cloud for the past few months. He was so moody, grumpy….he was secretive and basically an asshole….about EVERYTHING. And, usually, he deemed it all my fault.
Like that morning…I had left an empty milk carton on the counter because the trash bag was full and our son was having a difficult time teething and needed mommy’s attention. He got so angry and began hitting walls and throwing things around, citing all the while that I should know, “at this point” that he hated “shit like that”. And that somehow ended up in a very degrading, finger in the face lecture about my shopping sprees, a new hole in my wall and the reverberating sound of my new name…”bitch”….as the door slammed.
I stood in the living room with the baby in my arms and felt like I was going insane. How could a milk carton make me a bitch? Shopping sprees? The last couple of months, the only shopping I had done was for diapers and the like…because there WASN”T any money. There should have been, but there wasn’t.
He was late coming home that day. That was beginning to become a pattern, so I usually held off supper until he was done with his workout which commenced in the garage before he even came in the house. As the blaring strains of Metallica filtered through the walls, I started setting the table.
At 7:03 and with my son’s feeding quickly approaching, I decided that I would go ahead and find out what he required for his dinner. I stuck my head in the door and asked. He didn’t answer. He didn’t even move or look around from the spot where he was standing in the “gym”. So I sighed and went back inside and opened the fridge.
When he burst through the door, it was like an explosion. I remember getting ready to say, “what’s wrong” as he rushed me. I remember him grabbing me and shoving me, literally, into the refrigerator. Then everything went blank.
I came to with pain and nausea like I had never experienced. He was standing over me, kicking me over and over. Screaming, “why do you always do this to me” and “you know you can’t talk to me when I’m in there”…..He leant down, his nose bleeding and face beet red, spit flying from his mouth.
The baby was crying and it was at that moment that I experienced a fear that I wouldn’t wish on the devil himself….because I realized as he screamed, “why? Why is he crying? Shut up, shut up, shut him up”…that there was no conceivable way that, should he turn on our son, that I could get off the floor where I was lying to protect him.
The rest is a fog in my mind that I will probably never be able to get out of my head clearly. I do remember seeing my ex asleep in the bed and getting my gun. I don’t remember why I didn’t shoot him or putting it on the table beside the bed.
I remember crawling out of the window with the baby, but I don’t remember why I didn’t just use the front door. I don’t remember walking two miles with him in my arms, but I will remember the man’s face that found us on the side of the road forever.
I don’t remember the treatment in the hospital but the voices and sounds are forever etched into my memory….broken jaw…broken ribs….was he trying to kill her?….
As time passed and I discovered that I was an unfortunate first hand witness to the horrors of steroids, I remember thinking that I was going to use the experience to help others that might be faced with demon.
But I didn’t, I tucked away into my nightmares and bad memories because I just wanted to forget it ever happened.
Until today.
If you are juicing or are considering it, please take my story as a testimony to the fact that steroids can be a more deadly threat to yourself and your loved ones than you might think…more than you could possibly know. There is help out there. And more importantly, there are healthier alternatives to achieve your goals. I do not know of any member of this site that would no help you find this alternative. All you gotta do is ask.
Julienne
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2004/03/16, 10:11 AM
Thank you, brave soul, for sharing this warning. I'm sure everyone here sends you wishes and prayers that your life is moving in a better direction and that man finds out what he has become and turns to a better way.
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2004/03/16, 10:14 AM
I hate to hear that happen to you, but what a story. That in my mind would definetly make people reconsider using steroids.. You did the right thing by getting out of there before something more extreme happened to you and your child.. For that I commend you.... Hope you and you child are now doing good..
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2004/03/16, 10:18 AM
Thanks, Julienne.
I hope you and your little boy the best.
I hope all the young juicers get a reality check before they end up like your ex.
Unfortunately, on this sight you won't be reaching a lot of would-be juicers (I hope). Maybe you should copy your post on some of the pro-steroid websites, though my guess is that they would just ignore it.
Thank you for baring such a painful experience to help others.
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"To be able to go to the gym and train hard is a joy and a privelege, even though the hard work necessitates driving yourself through considerable discomfort. Savor this privelege and blessing, and revel in it."
Stuart McRobert, Beyond Brawn
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2004/03/16, 10:39 AM
WOW! So sorry to hear that you went thru that! And a good reason to really think your way before using that crap.
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LIFT HEAVY! BECOME STRONG, LIKE BULL!
7707mutt@freetrainers.com
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2004/03/16, 10:40 AM
It takes a very brave soul to tell that story. I commend you for it.
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I am still afraid of my mother.
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2004/03/16, 11:34 AM
I am glad you are okay now!! We should keeps this one on file every time thoose I want it know guys ask about the gear. - Mike
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I am that
which must be feared, worshipped and adored. The world is mine
now and forever.No one holds command over me. No man. No god. I am a beast and that is enough.
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2004/03/16, 11:54 AM
A big 'atta girl' from one who has also seen domestic violence up close and personal. We are not victims....we are survivors! Thank you for sharing your story with us.
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~Victoria~
...Do not be discouraged; everyone who got where he is, started where he was.--anon
...There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.--Beverly Sills
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2004/03/16, 12:47 PM
This is such a sad story :(
I wish you and your child the best in the world. You deserve much better and truly wish you happiness now and in the future!
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**_Robert_**
Pain is temporary; glory is forever!
E-mail: rpacheco@freetrainers.com
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2004/03/16, 01:38 PM
Nobody should ever be put through that. It took a lot of courage to tell everyone that. Thank you for that story. Perhaps you should start some sort of group?
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2004/03/16, 02:52 PM
Julienne, steroid induced rages are something that I personally feel doesn't get enough attention. Thanks for the refreshment that they happen.
I printed your story and took it to the gym with me at lunch and posted it there on the read me wall. (left your name out, of course) I don't know if you can take this as a compliment given the subject matter, but you are a good writer, or maybe I should say that you are good at expressing yourself. The post really has a shock factor to it, and given the message, is a good thing. I was in tears. (along with a couple of the guys I work with though they will deny that):laugh:
I would like to know, if you don't mind telling, what made you decided to write this today? Did this just recently happen?
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2004/03/16, 03:08 PM
I know you were not looking for sympathy, but you have mine. I, like Julisa, have already printed a copy to post in my gym. Your story is inspiring and eye-opening. I hope you have the support system you deserve to deal with such a terrible experience. And as AZREDHEAD said, you are a survivor, now don't make yourself another victim. My thoughts are with you and your child.
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2004/03/16, 04:03 PM
Null stole my post again.............:big_smile:
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2004/03/16, 04:25 PM
Sorry that you had to go through that. However not to unjustify your story. I have had a couple friends on steroids and they do have a temper but they would never touch their girlfriends. Sounds like the guy had more issues going on upstairs then just steroid abuse. Keep going strong and good things will happen.
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Jay
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2004/03/16, 04:29 PM
Why are you trying to justify your friends steroid use? So you are basically saying that the steroids had nothing to do with the fact that the guy beat his wife into oblivion? I think you are in the minority on this one. How many spousal abusers have said the infamous "I would never hit my ...." Please give me a break.
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Quoting from jrocyou23:
Sorry that you had to go through that. However not to unjustify your story. I have had a couple friends on steroids and they do have a temper but they would never touch their girlfriends. Sounds like the guy had more issues going on upstairs then just steroid abuse. Keep going strong and good things will happen.
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My gym dues are not paid with money.
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2004/03/16, 04:32 PM
Sister dfly....Julienne,
My heart goes out to you. It took a while for me to get through your post, had to swallow a few times, clear my eyes, and read some statements twice to make sure I read them right! You are so right when you say All we mention is ball shrinkage and weird looking. You've opened my eyes, I never thought of the otherside of the relationship getting effected by the use of roids.
How old is your son? Glad to hear you are seeing the light at the end of the dark tunnel.
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\"A will finds a way, failure is not an option\"
Ivan
carivan@freetrainers.com
Montreal Canada
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2004/03/16, 07:46 PM
Word, hec!!!
Juliene, thanks.
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A problem ceases to be such when you can laugh about it.
Charlie
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2004/03/17, 09:43 AM
Wow! Incredible and eye-opening. I'm thankful for you that you are a survivor. I am also thankful for your courage to share your experience. Rarely does a situation like that end well. It sounds as if steroids share many of the characteristics of other substances. Here where I live our community is struggling with meth use in a big way. Many homes and lives are being destroyed through the use of this drug. Domestic violence is on the increase because of it. Thank you for sharing
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2004/03/17, 10:39 AM
Yo Hec I'm not justifying my friends steriod use. All I am saying is that there is other stuff going on inside the head of someone who would beat his wife. Not all pro bodybuilders or steriod users beat their wives. So before you go trying to rag on me why don't you listen to what I'm saying. I don't condone steroid use but you also can't say that the beatings were all because of steroids. The guy obviously had some stuff going on upstairs first.
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Jay
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2004/03/17, 10:49 AM
Somehow I made it through your extraordinarily well-written account. Then, I as I saw this outpouring of support from all these wonderful people..
..I had an 'outpouring' of my own.
Such tremendous adversity makes for incredibly strong survivors.. you are truly that.:love:
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2004/03/17, 11:16 AM
jrocyou23....when I made the post, it was not to encompass all of the people that use steroids, nor was it to sterotype those individuals into wife beaters. It was a personal account meant to show a negativity surrounding it's use that rarely gets brought up.
No different than the accounts you hear of drunk driving taking the lives of innocent people. There are lots of people we all know that, sadly, do or have driven under the influence....not all of them have taken another's life...but the potential to do so is there the minute they get behind the wheel.
Why? Because you cannot contol a mind that is affected by a drug.
One cannot control what steroids do to their bodies or their brains. So it is the infinate question...will they ever have a rage and hurt someone? Nobody plans to get on roids and beat somebody up, I'm sure of it...but they do think that they can control it and they are wrong.
I understand that you are trying to defend your friends that juice, because you care about them. Take your concern a bit further and show them my account. When they say to you, "I would never touch my girl"...just tell them that you wanted them to know that it is possible.
Because it is.
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2004/03/17, 12:00 PM
Thanks for sharing that EPIC. It is pleasing to see that you have overcome and moved on.
I had no idea that steroids could be so destructive....It's a subject that I have no interest in, hell even using supplemental type stuff is so far off my radar screen that steroids are in another atmosphere.
Have to say that after your account that steroids are no in another solar system entirely.
Cheers.
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2004/03/17, 12:20 PM
dfly, first of all none of my comments are meant to be negatives geared towards you. What happened to you is very unfortunate. I just got a little hyped over what hec said cause it sounded like he was talking down to me. All I am saying is yes there is a good possiblity that if someone takes steroids they will be more aggressive but how many people on this site go out and drink it tends to have the same effects. Especially in those bar fights you were talking about. All I am saying is I have been the drunk fighter but I could never never hit a girl. And for Hec saying to give him a break. My friends can say that they would never hit a woman and you better believe that they never would. They are good guys who were raised right.
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Jay
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2004/03/17, 12:36 PM
It's called roid rage dude. When your friends who were raised right snap and put their hands on somebody because of the roids. It is beyond their control at that point. You refuse to understand that point. You are to busy trying to defend me "talking down" to you. I think it was hard enough for her to put her story up here, she doesnt need your reasoning why her husband beat her. You blatantly said that the roids had nothing to do with it. That it was a mental problem. You are way out of line.
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My gym dues are not paid with money.
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2004/03/17, 01:25 PM
The question is not if they were raised right. Do not forget roids and other like things change the basic chemistry of that person. Therefore they are not the same person. Does that mean that all that take them will attack like her husband? No, but the chances are greater that something will happen. And guys...lets keep this civil ok?:love:
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LIFT HEAVY! BECOME STRONG, LIKE BULL!
7707mutt@freetrainers.com
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2004/03/17, 01:59 PM
Awwwllll mutt was that heart for me?:)
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My gym dues are not paid with money.
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2004/03/17, 02:10 PM
LOL sure!:big_smile:
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LIFT HEAVY! BECOME STRONG, LIKE BULL!
7707mutt@freetrainers.com
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2004/03/17, 02:24 PM
I never once said that roids had nothing to do with the what dfly went through. So get your facts right. I understand the term roid rage Hec, I have been around for a while. I'm not however out of line. This site is one of opinion. I'm not saying her husband didn't rage on her because of roids. I think it's amazing that she has the strengh to speak up about an unfortunate situation like that. But if a man beats another woman he DOES HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS. No matter what the situation involves. Hec don't get me wrong I've read a lot of your postings and I do believe that you are knowledgeable. And I don't want beef with anyone. I was just stating the fact that drugs affect certain people a certain way.
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Jay
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2004/03/17, 02:27 PM
Truce?
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My gym dues are not paid with money.
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2004/03/17, 02:29 PM
Jay, I didn't take anything you said to be against me. And you are entitiled to your opinion that you know yourself and your friends. I hope that you are correct.
I understand your point as being that the steroids may make a person violent but does not choose the path for exercising that violence.
You say you have been in fights but have never hit a girl. To me, that says that you have had feelings of violence that you have "chosen" to handle by seeking something other than a girl as your target.
My question is, what happens in the face of a huge stack of steroids that are affecting your brain and have hindered your abilities to make good choices?
Maybe nothing...maybe something.
It's all about the maybe Jay...that is the point I was trying to make. In my case, it was the maybe something. For you or your friends, it could be the maybe nothing.
But to deny that the maybe exisits, is dangerous.
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2004/03/17, 02:33 PM
Truce for sure bro.
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Jay
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2004/03/17, 02:42 PM
Usually if I got in a drunken fight at a bar which used to happen when I was a dumb kid it usually was over a girl. I have never once started a fight. But I used to be quick to finish them when alcohol and an audience was around. Fighting to keep a tough guy image is about the dumbest thing that I have done in life and when you get older you realize that there are other ways. The maybe is dangerous and I also believe why put your self at the maybe status. That is why I don't drink anymore because I was a quick trigger. Never at girls or random guys but just when someone tried to start with me. Not saying that I am proud of it but I definately have learned from my mistakes. Dfly you sound like one in a million. My aunt was completely demoralized when her husband beat her. She still stands by his side to this day. Stay strong.
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Jay
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2004/03/17, 02:57 PM
Wow......
t
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Quoting from dfly411:
What I am about to post is not for sympathy, I am hoping that any body who passes this section will read it and find a way to keep it from applying to themselves or a loved one.
My ex had always had a “tough guy” attitude. I was young enough to find it kind of sexy actually….made him a bit more “cool” and that fit his big build and heavy “gym personality”. Besides…I was brought up in rural NC, where violence was only personified by drunken brawls that ended in laughter and back slapping the next morning. So, when that toughness started to be filtered in my direction, I was actually surprised.
By the time I realized that he had a problem it was almost too late for me.
It was raining and I was apprehensive as I always seemed to be anymore. It was almost time for “him” to come home. That usually meant something bad in those days and I spend a lot of my time wondering what in the world could have caused the hate and discontent hanging over us like a black cloud for the past few months. He was so moody, grumpy….he was secretive and basically an asshole….about EVERYTHING. And, usually, he deemed it all my fault.
Like that morning…I had left an empty milk carton on the counter because the trash bag was full and our son was having a difficult time teething and needed mommy’s attention. He got so angry and began hitting walls and throwing things around, citing all the while that I should know, “at this point” that he hated “shit like that”. And that somehow ended up in a very degrading, finger in the face lecture about my shopping sprees, a new hole in my wall and the reverberating sound of my new name…”bitch”….as the door slammed.
I stood in the living room with the baby in my arms and felt like I was going insane. How could a milk carton make me a bitch? Shopping sprees? The last couple of months, the only shopping I had done was for diapers and the like…because there WASN”T any money. There should have been, but there wasn’t.
He was late coming home that day. That was beginning to become a pattern, so I usually held off supper until he was done with his workout which commenced in the garage before he even came in the house. As the blaring strains of Metallica filtered through the walls, I started setting the table.
At 7:03 and with my son’s feeding quickly approaching, I decided that I would go ahead and find out what he required for his dinner. I stuck my head in the door and asked. He didn’t answer. He didn’t even move or look around from the spot where he was standing in the “gym”. So I sighed and went back inside and opened the fridge.
When he burst through the door, it was like an explosion. I remember getting ready to say, “what’s wrong” as he rushed me. I remember him grabbing me and shoving me, literally, into the refrigerator. Then everything went blank.
I came to with pain and nausea like I had never experienced. He was standing over me, kicking me over and over. Screaming, “why do you always do this to me” and “you know you can’t talk to me when I’m in there”…..He leant down, his nose bleeding and face beet red, spit flying from his mouth.
The baby was crying and it was at that moment that I experienced a fear that I wouldn’t wish on the devil himself….because I realized as he screamed, “why? Why is he crying? Shut up, shut up, shut him up”…that there was no conceivable way that, should he turn on our son, that I could get off the floor where I was lying to protect him.
The rest is a fog in my mind that I will probably never be able to get out of my head clearly. I do remember seeing my ex asleep in the bed and getting my gun. I don’t remember why I didn’t shoot him or putting it on the table beside the bed.
I remember crawling out of the window with the baby, but I don’t remember why I didn’t just use the front door. I don’t remember walking two miles with him in my arms, but I will remember the man’s face that found us on the side of the road forever.
I don’t remember the treatment in the hospital but the voices and sounds are forever etched into my memory….broken jaw…broken ribs….was he trying to kill her?….
As time passed and I discovered that I was an unfortunate first hand witness to the horrors of steroids, I remember thinking that I was going to use the experience to help others that might be faced with demon.
But I didn’t, I tucked away into my nightmares and bad memories because I just wanted to forget it ever happened.
Until today.
If you are juicing or are considering it, please take my story as a testimony to the fact that steroids can be a more deadly threat to yourself and your loved ones than you might think…more than you could possibly know. There is help out there. And more importantly, there are healthier alternatives to achieve your goals. I do not know of any member of this site that would no help you find this alternative. All you gotta do is ask.
Julienne
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Tim
"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies, for the hardest victory is over self."
Aristotle
TimDay@freetrainers.com
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2004/03/17, 03:26 PM
Julienne , big ups to you! Not much more to say that hasn't been said already. I echo all the positive responses in this board.
I think Ivan said it best when he said "You are so right when you say All we mention is ball shrinkage and weird looking. You've opened my eyes, I never thought of the otherside of the relationship getting effected by the use of roids. "
I have known many people who cannot get out of these types of relationships. Good for you!!
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Don't sweat what you have no control over... WILL IT MATTER IN A HUNDRED YEARS....
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2004/03/18, 09:19 AM
I'll be honest...before coming to FT i had HEAVILY considered doing gear. I did my research etc, and i realized that at my age its VERY stupid, and vain. The side effects bothered me slightly, but i was just so anxious to get bigger because i felt like thats what i needed (don't ask why). So i did a bit more researching and i finally decided not to. I also did a little bit of soul searching and found out that i didn't really 'need' to get bigger, it was just another goal in life down the road. So i digressed...then one day stumbled upon FT which helped me get my diet and exercise right, and that has made a HUGE difference.
Now i read this story, and i never had any idea of how the decision back when could have affected my relations with others. I already have bi-polar I disorder, and i knew it might screw with my chemistry, but like i said back then i was just so eager. Thanks for posting this Julienne, just another reason i'm glad i didn't take that path... And another reason i never will. You're a strong woman. Take care.
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2004/03/18, 09:20 AM
dfly...many of the experiencing you mentioned Ive seen not directed toward myself but to others by men friends Ive known. In hightsight Im now grateful I only spent a short time with two of these men. The last one did make the statement of wanting to put his fist through the wall. I left and havent seen him since. The other has also turned to drug use outside of the roids. I feel very blessed that I wasnt chosen to be a part of what could have very well been the experience you did that night and those before. God love ya girl and thankful you were one who got through it and able to share this with the board. Thank you and even though many wont exhibit that extreme behavior, many do. Good for you outta there. Reminds me to stand clear as well and why my decision to leave those two, worked for the better :) Not a body worth any of that. * I am aware that roids arent the only things causing violence but they dont help it either. And for the record they both told me they could not stop. They said it was an emotional addiction for the way it made them feel and look. They struggled big time with it. Two men who for the most part were great guys but on the juice!
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