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2008/01/31, 10:52 AM
A man with six kids gets on an airplane.A lady asks...wow...are those all your kids?
The man replies...no,I work at a condom factory.Those are customer complaints.
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2008/01/31, 11:20 AM
A preacher was talking to his congregation about a new building project that the church wanted to start building
The preacher starts "There is good news and bad news about our building project"
Someone asks "What's the good news?"
The preacher responds "the good news is that we have all the money that it will take to complete our building."
"Then what is the bad news" someone asks.
"the bad news is the money is still in your pockets":big_smile:
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2008/01/31, 11:31 AM
A lady walks into a coffee shop and asks if the coffee is organic.
The clerk says no
She responds ok...I dont WANT it and rolls her eyes.
She then smiles and says she wants a bowl of boiling water..make sure it is a rolling boil or she will send it back...and she wants ice in it...and make sure they dont get all....small.She politly smiles and says thanks...hate to be a bother.
THIS is how Americans order when they go out:big_smile:
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2008/01/31, 12:00 PM
A man took his blonde girlfriend to a football game. When it was over he asked her how she liked it.
"It was okay" she said, "but I don't understand why they spent a whole game fighting over 25 cents."
"What do you mean?" her boyfriend asked.
"Well" she said, "at the beginning of the game they flipped a coin. One team won it, and then for the rest of the game all they were yelling was 'get the quarterback!'"
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2008/01/31, 12:50 PM
Two from my son:
Q: Why couldn't the pirate child go to the movies?
A: Because it was rated ARRRRRRR
Q: Why was the teacher cross eyed?
A: Because she couldn't control her pupils
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2008/01/31, 01:10 PM
My favorite joke of all times:
Three men worked together and ate lunch together every day. A blonde, a brunette and a red head.
One day the red head opened up his lunch box and yelled "If my wife packs me a bologna sandwich ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to jump off this building!!"
The brunette opened up his lunch and said "If my wife packs me left over spaghetti ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to jump off this building!!!"
The blonde opened up his lunch and said "If I get PB&J ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to jump off this building!!!"
The next day all of the men got the same old lunches and they all jumped off the building to their deaths.
At the funerals the red head's wife was sobbing and said "Had he only told me that he didn't like Bonogna sandwiches, I never would have packed them again...."
The brunette's wife was sobbing and said "Had he only told me that he didn't like left over spaghetti, I never would have packed it again...."
Everyone looked at the blonde's wife who was kicked back sipping on some coffee. She said "Don't look at me! He packed his own damn lunches!"
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2008/01/31, 02:33 PM
And where is the "Old joke thread" :big_smile:
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Patience, persistence and perspiration make an unbeatable combination for success.
Ivan
Montreal Canada (City of Festivals)
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2008/02/03, 12:12 PM
Old one made me laugh all over last night when told...
Polish hit man sent out to blow up a car....burnt his mouth on the tailpipe. :)
(hope any Poles out there do not get offended.. Simply a joke)
OK, another....
Hear about the Polish family that froze to death at the drive in?
Was watching 'Closed for the Season". :big_smile:
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Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer
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2008/02/03, 01:03 PM
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to ret reat to safety....??
'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really
and (loaded with two itzy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,
'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it master,' reasoning that a one- second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs?
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it again,
stupid, do it again!'
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three-second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up
there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
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Aboard the MV The Shop
Charlie
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2008/02/04, 12:13 PM
LMAO!!!!!
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2008/02/04, 01:56 PM
Along the theme of cats, this is an oldie but presonal favorite...
How to Bathe A Cat
1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both
lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds.
(Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this.)
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power
rinse, which is quite effective.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from
toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and
outdoors, where he will air dry.
Sincerely,
The Dogs (Buddy, Lacey, Pax, Cookie, Colonel, Wolf, Mugsy, Abby, et al)
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Aboard the MV The Shop
Charlie
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2008/02/05, 09:20 AM
Power rinse....TOOOOOO funy!!!!
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2008/02/14, 06:53 AM
"How did you get home from the party last night?"
"Like lightening."
"That quick?"
"No... kind of... zig-zaggy."
"Did you grab a shower this morning?"
"Why? Is one missing?"
Two idiots werre out walking one dark evening. One of them turned on a flash-light and pointed it at the sky and said: "I bet you can't climb up the beam of light!"
The onter answer: "Of course I can, but then you'll just turn it off."
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Getting there... one kg at a time...
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