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2004/07/29, 05:10 PM
I went to see my doctor today. I have a rash/breakout on my face that is so ugly. Not even when I was a teenager did I have anything like this. Plus, 2 of my past 3 periods were abnormal so I thought it was a hormone thing and she'd put me on a new birth control. NOPE! She told me I'm too fat. Not in those words exactly. She said my insulin levels may be out of whack and that can effect my hormones, can cause weight gain, can cause problems with my ovary function etc etc etc.
I know I need to lose weight, so why is it that when you hear it from a doctor (no matter how wonderful they are - which mine is), you feel like a complete loser. I didn't want to tell her that I've been trying. Because for the past month or so, I haven't really been trying as hard as I know I can.
I'd like to get angry at my doctor for scolding me for something I don't have any control over. But the reality is - she wasn't scolding me. She's concerned about my health and happiness. And I do have control over this. Those are the words she used. "Take control of your life. Only you can do that." I wanted to cry in her office but I would never let that happen. I feel so angry and let down by my own actions - or inactions. I feel like I've known better. I've known better for a long time. I know that I can't eat whatever I want and expect to be healthy. I know I can't skip working out and expect to be healthy. I know these things. SO why is it so hard to do what I know is right - and what I know I have to do. Who has the magic answer? Why is it so hard?
I've made a huge success out of everything else in my life in my opinion. I have a great job, I have wonderful friends, I have the most amazing husband a girl could ever dream of, I'm educated, I have money in the bank and money stashed away for retirement, I have a home, a new car. I've made it all happen the way I've always dreamed it would happen. But I did it all while ignoring the fact that my butt was widening and my arteries were clogging and my body was experiencing the aches and pains of obesity. So why can't I convert that energy, that drive to suceed, that motivation, into taking care of the most precious gift I have - my health. Why have I made myself feel hopeless. Why, now, at my most educated about what I have to do to get health, do I - for the first time in my life - feel hopeless. The thought "what does it matter" almost crept into my head the other day. I didn't let it. I know I matter. I know my health matters. I know, logically that all of what I want to do is possible. But I feel so .... I don't know .... I don't know.
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2004/07/29, 05:21 PM
To have the courage to continue fighting this fight you first and foremost must love yourself enough to do it.
Then you have to remember that you didn't get this way overnight.
Keep being encouraged by the little victories. War is won in the trenches...day by day.
Never quit. You and the others in your Monday club are among my biggest inspirations here. You just never know how a post will affect someone.
Cut yourself some slack and take it off the same way you put it on. A pound at a time. You are winning. You just don't know it yet.
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Waterskis with buffalos
Charlie
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2004/07/29, 05:22 PM
When it seems that you are at the bottom, the only place to look is up - sorry for the silly cliche, but focus in on what you need to, and take it one step at a time.
Hang in there Pg!
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2004/07/29, 05:33 PM
Prariegirl..darlin, I know how you feel. For me (don't know if this helps), It really comes down to telling myself that I am worth the TIME. We are in such a hurry all day long, and when we get home tell ourselves that we don't have the TIME(and therefore the energy) to workout and take care of ourselves, and then proceed to watch tv for 2 -3 hours. You are deffinately worth the TIME and EFFORT it takes to do something good for yourself. Make yourself a priority, because I can bet all your successes in life came as a result of them being priorities, and soon you will see success as your body and health match your time and effort. Geesh, sorry this is long, but you know we are all here for you so KEEP GOING!!!!! :big_smile:
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2004/07/29, 05:35 PM
I'm sorry prairiegirl, so very sorry that you are hurting, because I certainly know what this kind of hurt feels like and struggle with those pains every day, too, so maybe, just knowing that there are those of us here that are going through the same thing and are pulling for you as much as you are pulling for us will give you some comfort...maybe not a lot right now, but some??
I also know from all your posts that I can confidently say that you have the energy and motivation in all you do and I believe you can focus it on this area, too, you aren't giving up - I saw what you wrote, you said you "almost" thought what does it matter...but you didn't and you came here and you wrote and we are here to tell you that we believe you won't give up because this means so much to you!
I'll send hugs when I find out how much postage is and in the meantime go get some from that wonderful hubby you talked about!
You gotta stick around because when your not here, there are those of us that do miss you and notice!!
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Veda
MISERY IS OPTIONAL
***When you are up to your ears in trouble, try using the part that is not submerged.
***The difference between a dream and a goal is a plan.
HAVE A GREAT DAY!
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2004/07/30, 09:33 AM
Thanks everyone. It feels better to write it and soooo much better to read about all of your support. This truely is an amazing place and all of you are so wonderful.
I woke up this morning. I wanted to sleep in. I asked myself if sleeping for another 30 minutes was going to get me to my goal. I got up. I walked the 1.5 miles to work. A good start to the day.
Thanks everyone. This is a long weekend where I live. Have a good one everyone. See you on Tuesday.
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