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2004/07/23, 12:25 PM
I'm going to put this out there as it may be a good part of my "recovery" from this life of overweight obesity. Sometimes telling "strangers" is easier than telling others as they will poo-pooh you and make light of your feelings...anyway, here goes...
When I got cancer 13 years ago I was in the best shape of my life, years in the gym, running, eating right, it all had paid off ten fold...then BANG! My mother dies of cancer at 48 and unbeknownst to me at the time, I also had cancer, which wasn't discovered until six months later and I had had for over two years as it was slow growing. I had a six month old baby and two lovely other children.
I kept to my regimine during the first three years of my treatments and then I just gave up - I figured that if I could get cancer when doing all the right things, I wasn't bustin' tail anymore to keep fit, especially since keeping fit was much harder after my thyroid had been removed.
So the tale continues and I gain and gain......now I find that I have always had a strong fear that when I reach my goals or come closer each day, my cancer will come creeping back to show me that my efforts are futile....I am trying hard to get past that fear, it won't stop me, but it is always right there taunting me...some call these feelings excuses and maybe in some way they are, but I feel there is much more to these feelings than the basic excuses like, "I was just too busy", "I don't have time", etc.
I know, I know, maybe a Dr. Phil would help matters, (I don't do support groups, either) but I was wondering if any of you have looked deep into your souls and found what may be preventing you from being the person you want to be and if so, if you would care to share with me and others, what it is and how you are combatting it....yep, it is personal, but this forum is a good place for getting those things out there and trusting in others to listen and share their experiences, too.
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Veda
MISERY IS OPTIONAL
***When you are up to your ears in trouble, try using the part that is not submerged.
***The difference between a dream and a goal is a plan.
HAVE A GREAT DAY!
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2004/07/23, 01:03 PM
Vedak, I think it's good to say it out loud because it gives me the chance to say it out loud too.
I've been losing weight very slowly and gaining it back very slowly and back and forth. When I start to lose weight I think, "Oh my God I'm getting sick again, I have to stop this." Do I understand what you are going through? Better believe it. All I can tell you, and all you can tell you, is that what you are doing right now is the healthiest best choice. If you do it right it means that if illness strikes again, your body has everything it needs to help you fight it off and then fight your way back.
I'm not going to tell you not to be afraid because that would be stupid. Be afraid because what you fear, cancer, is real. But don't be afraid that life is so hard that a good slap in the face from it is something you deserve.
All living things die, and that's a fact. How you live until that happens is the real stuff that matters.
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Anni
*******
Hard work must have killed somebody
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2004/07/23, 03:25 PM
First off, being a cancer survivor in itself is remarkable. I've had some family members die from this horrible disease in a matter of a year's time. So, your beating this disease and having a fear of the possibility of it returning is very normal.
Although I've not personally walked your path or had to deal with these feelings myself, I'm here to take the journey to a healthier me with you. It truly amazes me to read some of the stories that so many of you are willing to share and the learning that each of you have done while living them.
I was watching a portion of The View this morning and they were talking about life lessons/tragedies and how so many people turn them into positives rather than negatives. The young girl who was on a Survivor show was talking about how she'd not experienced anything in her life like that. That she hadn't gotte to that point or feeling in her life. She wanted to know how it feels, but not necessarily want the tragedy to bring it about.
I wish you continued success. I hope that you don't ever have to face your fear again. In my heart, I believe that by you choosing to get healthy again isn't going to cause the cancer to come back. All the hugs in the world are being sent to you!!! :)
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2004/07/23, 07:03 PM
Thanks, Anni, I appreciate that and you are very right, living in the here and now is most important, it's hard not to look at every day (even after 13 years) as the day it comes back, but at the same time, I like to look at it as another day I have been blessed with! I do believe that if it hadn't been for my health being so good when I got cancer, it may of turned out differently.
Phimugirl1, thank you, some days that alone makes me feel stronger - that I have gotten so many years with my family is remarkable! Another thing is that getting cancer was a wake up call for me in other ways, I learned how much I love being on this earth, so Lord only knows why I deprived myself my health for so long!!
You guys are so special...I hope your day is filled with hugs, laughter and many smiles!
If anyone else wants to share their experiences, not just cancer, but anything you feel inhibited you from losing weight deep down inside (Ok, I'm NOT Dr. Phil), I know it feels better getting it out and facing it than fighting it!
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Veda
MISERY IS OPTIONAL
***When you are up to your ears in trouble, try using the part that is not submerged.
***The difference between a dream and a goal is a plan.
HAVE A GREAT DAY!
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2004/07/23, 07:09 PM
I don't know why it didn't show my member name in the message, but I posted the above message. Good luck!
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2004/07/24, 08:22 PM
Morning Veda,
Although I can't say I've been through what you have personally, I almost know what you mean. Someone very close to me was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago. After lots of complications and a HUGE operation, she has been given the all clear. Still, she lives with the fear every day, that it will come back, like it had done before. I can't ever know what she went through, or you, but I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Every week she goes to a psychologist, to work through it. Learning to face her fears.
I don't honestly know what my fears are, perhaps Im in agreement with swtsu, I've never seen what's under all this fat. Maybe Im scared I'll be a horrible person or something. Every time I lose weight I put it back on. Or maybe Im just lazy and can't keep up with the effort it takes on a day by day basis. What ever it is, I will beat it one day! It might take me years, but one day I'll be able to walk down the street with my head held high, looking people in the eye instead of looking away, not wanting to see the disgust reflected back at me.
Donna
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2004/07/26, 09:35 AM
Hi Veda and everyone else.
Veda. Every time you think that a fit body brings on cancer tell yourself what you said in the second post. That if you're healthy, if the cancer does come back, you have a healthy body to fight it. I'm willing to bet that the fear of it returning will never go away. I can't imagine what that would be like. It gives me shivers just thinking about it. BUT, if it's not going away, you have to spin some sort of negative out of it. Getting fit and healty puts some control back in your corner. If it does come back, you're ready to kick it's a$$ again.
I don't know what my fear is. I'm with Donna. Maybe I'm just too lazy to keep up the effort.
I have had a terrible health experience that included surgery and 1.5 months in the hospital. I wish that would have motivated me to get my life and body in order. But it didn't. When something happens and I think that the problem might be returning, I tell myself that if I was stronger and more fit, I would be able to avoid most of these scares. But in the morning, the gym still feels so far away.
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2004/07/26, 10:55 AM
I have not experienced the fear of a potentially fatal disease, but have abused my body and health for many years. I often wonder why??? I have not come up with one answer, so I try to stay centered on treating my body well, everday. I can only do it one day at a time, if I think in future time or past time, it will give me reasons to cheat, make excuses ect. So I agree live in the momment, make choices in the momment, and keep the postive affirmations front and center. It has helped me!
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2004/07/28, 09:25 AM
Good sharing, everyone! We all need to be able to get down to the nitty gritty at times, I think, as that is often where our difficulty lies.
I was thinking a lot about those of you saying you are afraid to see what is there after losing the weight - I'm wondering if it is more the expectations that come with losing the weight that we fear more...you know, that we'll lose the weight and then everytime we even think about having a treat someone will be there in our face giving us a hard time and waiting for us to balloon back up! I think that is hard for me, the knowing that when I get there I will be facing scrutiny more than ever - right now I hate it when I go to have a cheat day, rare as it is, and my husband just gives me a look and says, "are you suppose to be eating that?", I want to throw it at him! It is like I am expected to be 100% perfect now as he plows through junk food like a starving shark, lol! That's alright, though, I will still always go for the win and am anxious to see myself healthy again. I guess we have to focus on the fact that we have to deal with a lot, now and when we accomplish our goals, but how sweet it will be when we get there! I think the sheer happiness of being thinner will over ride the scrutiny anyday!!
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Veda
MISERY IS OPTIONAL
***When you are up to your ears in trouble, try using the part that is not submerged.
***The difference between a dream and a goal is a plan.
HAVE A GREAT DAY!
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2004/07/29, 09:56 AM
I think I had the ostrich head in the sand syndrome & the weight crept up. I'm only slightly fat as weight/height are in the healthy area on charts so I get complacent & don't watch it & then before I know it I've put on weight. I put on weight easily. Easy to put on hard to get off.
My motivation at the moment is to get my clothes fitting better which I think feels better already & more toned, however no results in the weight/tape measure area but early days.
I think what has motivated me is looking after my mother-in-law. I wanted to make sure I was keeping fit myself as it makes you realise you can't afford to be ill in that situation & so need to boost immune systems & get as much on your side as possible. Also obviously the cosmetic reasons of having clothes fit better & being more fit. We also want to start a family soon so being fit helps that & also will hopefully mean I can do more as a parent physically. I'm hoping that the only reason I would need to alter my regime is if I got pregnant soon which I'm hoping (another motivation) so all in all I'm motivated at the moment to stick at this - just lapses in diet now & then like last week but back to being good again now.
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2004/07/29, 10:09 AM
Hey Veda. Interesting comments. Like Fortyhall - I had my head in the sand. I never owned a scale and always just thought I was a little chubby. Then the doctor came. And he had a scale. And he told me I was OBESE. That word is not easy to hear.
I don't think having all the eyes on me after I lose weight is what I'm scared of. I am a competitive person, and there is nothing that scares me more than failure. I think I fear that once I lose the weight, if I gain the weight back, I will be viewed as a failure. I know that being obese is a failure in itself, but people know me this way. They don't come to my house and say "what a failure she is. Still so fat!" They expect me to be this way. But can you imagine the thoughts going thru everyones head when they go from being happy for me for losing the weight and then see me balloon up again.
It's a fear of mine. I don't know if it's THE fear that is holding me back. Do I have to be scared of something? Is there really something in the back of my head that is holding me back? DOes there have to be? Or am I just lazy? Or do I just not want it enough? I bought the Dr. Phil book - hoping to answer these exact questions. I'm just starting Chapter 2. It's sad that I have so much vested in what those pages say. I need to re-consider my expectations. The book is not my magic diet pill.
OK, I'm rambling on and on again.
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2004/07/29, 10:19 AM
Courage is resistance to fear; mastery of fear - not absence of fear.
Mark Twain
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