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2009/08/25, 12:49 PM
It was the year 2005. I was about 168, 5 11', and I was feeling huge. My bf at the time was a LOT LOT bigger than me. He was about 5 10' and weight like 200lbs.
When I complained I was fat all the time as I looked into the mirror, I made him feel enormous! "How can you like me if you don't even like looking at yourself?"
I felt really bad. But I also felt fat - so there was no winning. This has lead me to the thought that fat really isn't a shape, it's a feeling. Which is oh so true.
Anyway, after he felt like shit for being fat (because I felt like shit for being fat) for so long, he decided he was going to diet and exercise to lose the weight.
I never said anything, but I remember one time distinctly, I remember looking into the livingroom from my computer in the kitchen, looking out at him while he had one of his exercise tapes on, and was doing the moves. Sweating like an ape. I remember feeling a tiny bit of disgust mixed with sorrow.
To me, I guess if you're fat when I meet you, it'd be hard to picture you actually being able to lose the weight. Like "Oh there he goes again on the diet and exercise kick. It wont last long." etc.
Why? Why did I get sad & disgusted at seeing him jump around in a sweat like some freak?
I think now that I'm with someone who is skinnier than I, I think that it makes sense now. I imagine all the time that I wanna lose the weight, so that I can feel better about myself again, and I guess being with someone thinner than I, I guess I feel fat and ugly, and helpless. I feel like my skinny bf looks at me in the same way that I looked at my ex. Like a big hopeless mess.
My simple question is: How do I stick with a diet exercise plan when I'm with someone who is as cold and heartless as I was to my ex? Because I honestly felt that I was the reason his diets were never successful.
Am I just the worst person ever???
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Bradley Voorhees
URLs:
youtube.com/bradleyvoorheesjams
myspace.com/bradley__voorhees
twitter.com/bradvoorhees
Email:
myspace.com/bradley__voorhees
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2009/08/26, 08:18 AM
Listen Bradley, stop beating yourself up, you took the first step on a long road, the sooner you select a training plan and start to eat as healthily as you can, then only then will you;
1, start to feel better,
2, start to look better,
Looking at your photo, i don't think you have too far to go, so grab a dumbbell and grab an apple and go for the burn. Best of luck.
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